For some crazy reason people believe in me (what the?!), they think I have the ability to go further, to go beyond what I'm doing now. It's crazy to me, I have a large desire to, but I'm also scared. What am I most intimidated by? What is everyone most intimidated by? Fear of failure. Fear of being embarrassed, of letting someone down, of not being up to par. I have never wanted to admit to myself, or anyone else for that matter, my desire. My desire to race in the big leagues. I have never loved a sport as much as I love Cyclocross. I have never felt such a community as I do every weekend at the races. Which brings me to why I sat down to write this blog post.
Fear
Fear of what? Fear of the unknown. Fear of not knowing the girls I'm racing against, of not having the friendly faces cheering for me, fear of failure, fear of not loving the sport anymore. Fear that what I might love most about the sport is my team, the cookies, the camadarie, the family I have gained the last 2 years of racing. Fear that it's possible I could lose it all, fear of missing the fun at home.
The other day I sat down and looked at my personal calendar. I looked at the dates of some UCI races and then I looked at the dates of our Local races, they over lap. My heart sank, but then it started beating faster and faster, my nerves increased, and I almost felt sick. That's when I realized that if I do those UCI races, I'm going to miss my Local scene, the scene that has developed me as a rider, the scene that I look forward to every August. It aches to think about not being there every...single...weekend.
I love that I can show up and smile and feel like I know everyone. Because really:
If you can name that song...good for you! Back to seriousness...it's incredible, people I don't even know (should I know them?) know my name! When I pass them in the race they say my name. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, its just so amazing! Thank you to everyone for all your support!
Tonight marks the end of my first weekend being a "competitor" in a USGP race. It's bittersweet not being at home racing within my comfort, but I had a good time. Race report to follow.
Fear
Fear of what? Fear of the unknown. Fear of not knowing the girls I'm racing against, of not having the friendly faces cheering for me, fear of failure, fear of not loving the sport anymore. Fear that what I might love most about the sport is my team, the cookies, the camadarie, the family I have gained the last 2 years of racing. Fear that it's possible I could lose it all, fear of missing the fun at home.
The other day I sat down and looked at my personal calendar. I looked at the dates of some UCI races and then I looked at the dates of our Local races, they over lap. My heart sank, but then it started beating faster and faster, my nerves increased, and I almost felt sick. That's when I realized that if I do those UCI races, I'm going to miss my Local scene, the scene that has developed me as a rider, the scene that I look forward to every August. It aches to think about not being there every...single...weekend.
I love that I can show up and smile and feel like I know everyone. Because really:
"Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name"
If you can name that song...good for you! Back to seriousness...it's incredible, people I don't even know (should I know them?) know my name! When I pass them in the race they say my name. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, its just so amazing! Thank you to everyone for all your support!
Tonight marks the end of my first weekend being a "competitor" in a USGP race. It's bittersweet not being at home racing within my comfort, but I had a good time. Race report to follow.
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