Desire

Well, I can't lie and say I'm not completely satisfied, but I also can't not be satisfied after Nationals (note to reader...this might be stupidly long).

Saturday race in Bend.  

I know I never wrote about Bend.  Actually I was trying to forget about Bend because I felt SO tired!  I didn't have the best races of my life when I was there.  Saturday my legs where so freakin' tired I had NO power, I literally wanted to curl up into a ball, sleep, and then cry because I felt so terrible, I think i ended up 18th or something horrid like that.  Sunday, I didn't want to race, but I did, and I am glad I did.  The first half lap I felt terrible, but then my legs opened up and I ended up catching a lot of girls and finished 13th (I think).  All in all, Sunday was better, but really not what I wanted (I see a trend...I think I crack in these bigger races).  One positive thing about Bend, my local fans all over the course cheering my name so loudly I couldn't help but smile.  Thank You.

I can't be totally disappointed in my season, but in a small way, I am.  It was such a learning experience for me this year, that I know exactly where I went wrong.  First and foremost, traveling is exhausting, having to wake up the following day at 5am to go to work, is exhausting.  Racing, traveling, working, and attempting to train is very very very exhausting.  What I'm getting at...is I'm tired.  That's probably because I didn't get to sleep until 1:30am last night and had to work at 6am, but I guess that's the life I have chosen to live, so no complaining.  I find myself comparing my performance to others who probably don't work, who have 100% help from sponsorships and teams, who probably have coaches, who then makes them fast, and who have been doing this much longer than myself.  Then...I get down on myself and think what am I doing here, I don't deserve it, I'm just not that strong.

The positives I need to remind myself:

• This is my 3rd year racing CX and my 4th year of actually racing bikes, I'm pretty new to the sport.
• This was my first year traveling and racing UCI races
• People believe in me
• I coach myself (Because I'm broke)
• I work (sometimes...despite what some may think)
• I have a good life 

I think when I look at myself as a rider I see the beginner who could hardly pedal up hill, I see the girl who took 4 hours to ride 50 miles, the girl who can't possibly win a race, the girl who will amount to nothing in cycling, the girl who people didn't think could do it.  Maybe it's my sports mentality left over from brutal soccer coaches in high school, but I don't see the athlete inside of me.  I literally am my own worst critic.  Maybe it's an identity crisis?  I don't identify with those at the Elite level because I have only been there 1 season (not mixing it up with the speedies but not quite in the back either), and I'm not at the local scene to identify with my local pals.  I'm lost somewhere in the middle and I don't know exactly where I belong, it's like purgatory, but I'm actually still alive!!!  

So, as I do at the end of every cross season, I move forward, look ahead and figure out how next year I can be better.  I figure out how I can get stronger, and how I can grow my success from this past season.  I continue to feed my obsession of cycling, admiring the true Pros, and working hard to get stronger, faster, better.  

After my first season of racing in the Elites at the local scene and finishing mid pack, my goal was to come back the next season and win races.  I accomplished just that.  Perhaps, after this first season racing Elites at the UCI level my goal should be to come back next year and win races.  

I think it is.  Look for me next year, I will be the girl at the front of the races.

Desire?  Dreaming too big?  I don't know, but I'm going to make it happen.  

Nats report to come later.