In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, all I can do is pray.

Not too much to write about in the life of me.  The past month has been a little hectic, I don't think I have been home for one weekend yet, so every week has been trying to play catch up on the things that need to get done.  Chris and I are officially done going to weddings for at least 2 more months.  Every Friday/Saturday for the past 4 weekends was the same thing; shower, get ready, pack a bag, put the bikes on the car, and drive to a wedding, watch a ceremony, see some kisses, eat dinner, drink beer, and dance.  Always a good time, but I am so glad we get to take a break from it!

Last week my boss from the hospital called to let me know they where canceling the class I teach there, but only "for this go around" due to financial reasons (dumb).  Who knows if I will have a job at the hospital, so it's game time to start working on my resume and looking for another part time job.  I am sick of my income being below the poverty level.....sometimes I tell my dad I'm low class, he just likes to shake his head and tell me "im not".

Sunday I received a phone call from my brother, I always get worried when he calls, I get worried when he doesn't call.  After the 30 second small talk of how are you, what are you doing, his voice gets loud and happy and I hear him say "I'M COMING HOME"!!!!  I can't recall the last time I heard his voice with that type of inflexion.  It really was....different.  I have so many mixed emotions of him coming home.  Being down south working for the company he was at, was a safe haven, I knew he would be okay if he was there.  Then I get this phone call that he is coming back to where it all began, where his life could have ended.  Why wouldn't someone worry?  My intial reaction was "oh dear, my brother is going to be dead in 6 months".  How do you let something like that soak in?  How do you process knowing your older brother might not be alive in a few months. 

The doctors in California told him if he uses one more time he WILL die, his kidneys are not strong enough to tolerate an abusive substance in his body.  It's amazing to think he has been sober for a little over 1 year, especially after living in a high state for probably 8+ years.  I really hope it was enough to clear his head, to gain some mental strength, to realize he CAN over come an unhealthy addiction to drugs as long as he tries.

So here I am, in an even larger state of worry of the future of my brother.  I want to believe what he is saying, but like I told him the only way people can believe him is if he starts acting on his words.  Actions speak louder than words, all the people you hurt in your past, you need to rebuild that relationship with, you need to physically show them that YOU want to change.  All I can do is sit and pray that he makes the right decisions.